To hope or not to hope...

 hope:  a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen...

I've been in a real introspective state these past few weeks, a lot of questions to myself ~ who am I? who do I want to be? what makes me happy? what do I want out of this life?

And through this personal interrogation, I have found that I've been quite happy over this past month ~ I've finally got my groove at work, my social life has kept me booked, I've been working out, finding a new love for my body & an appreciation of it's strength...

So of course this daily joy has me questioning it ;)

Ha! Can't a girl just be happy? 

What really got my mind whirling was the sudden burst of tears this week at a picture of a friend's beautiful newborn baby girl ~ what is with me & this river????

I mean, I'm happy, right?

Life is good, things are falling in to place, I've got a good job, my business is taking off, I'm surrounded with amazing friends & family ~ why is this adorable cherubic face bringing me tears?

Since the break up, I've been going back though the things Marni, my amazing dating coach, has taught me & thinking about my "wants" & my non-negotiables.

What I dug down to was something I've been afraid to say out loud for a long long time...

If I admit to wanting this & it's not in the cards, can I handle the pain?

Is it easier to play it safe?

Or does that hurt more now, knowing my true feelings?

Can I ignore them? Will they go away if not encouraged?

Or do I just put it out there??!!!

Ugh, I know the answer to that one...you can't have what you don't ask for, right?

I've always been the ambivalent one of my friend's, on the fence about my feelings on this, indecisive mostly, but it's time to be honest...

Oh this makes me nervous...

Ok, here it goes, I long to have a family, to be a part of a unit (as a friend eloquently termed it), to have people to care for, to love, & to worry about.

My definition is still vague as to what exactly that is for me ~

~ it could be just be me & him

~ us & a fish, a cat, a dog, whatever

 ~ us & a baby

~ us & existing families

I'm open to it all, whatever the Universe brings my way

(please, please bring it my way, feeling vulnerable here now that I've put it out there...)

Some of the moments when I felt truly content during this past year's relationship was the rare times I got to take care of him. I got a rush going to the grocery store & planning a dinner to cook for him ~ it scared me, who is this girl? I don't like to cook, don't even know how, but I wanted to for him.

I wanted to embrace it, but sensed it may have scared him too, it was maybe too relationship-y.

Ok, well back to the unleashed faucet of tears, which made another appearance tonight as I watched one man explain his realization of his purpose here on earth to be a father & the joy it brings ~ thank god the room was dark & the spotlight on him, I was a mess!!

My hope has been waning lately. 

The reality is it may not happen for me.

And I should be prepared for that, but I'd much rather plug my ears, close my eyes, & lalala that thought away...

 I know I should keep the faith, but sometimes its hard.

Inching towards 39, is not in the prime dating bracket, men worry about the ticking clocks, its too much pressure, I get it.

But I can't worry about them, I'm just going to ask for what I'd like & see who sticks.

Here's to hoping!!

Cheers, xo

Dog days...

** Crank up the volume & get your groove on!! **

I was driving about town today & the song "Dog Days are Over" by Florence + the Machine came on, it flashed me back to a night almost 2 years ago after a particularly bad date & belting this song out at the top of my lungs the whole way home. Such a cleansing experience!

Since then it's kinda turned into a power anthem for me. 

That night I was shouting away all the horrible dates I'd been on, all the men who pushed just a bit too far, & it felt GOOD!

I felt stronger, more "me" knowing what I want & not settling anymore cuz maaaaybe he'll be different next time.

It was definitely a turning point that night & when I think of the journey of the past year, it couldn't have happened w/o that night, that experience, that awakening...

Today when I heard it I got that same rejuvenated feeling. 

Maybe its because I've been on hiatus for a few days & actually have gotten some sleep, but when I woke today I knew it was gonna be a good day & 

I WAS GLAD TO BE ME & Florence just proved me right!

I'm gonna admit these past few weeks have not been the best, but what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, right?

Starting a new job & calling it quits on my first love all in the same week, not the best plan...

Turns out the job is WAY more intense than I anticipated, the hours, the actors...but in some ways it has been my saving grace.

I am so thankful for its distraction, keeping my mind busy & me...just active, versus being a blob on the couch watching "Bridget Jones" over & over

(although I do need a day like that...wish there were some good new rom-coms, oh maybe a new one with Colin Firth...such a sucker for that accent)

I've never been through this whole break-up process before ~ first love equals first heartbreak ~ I'd love any advice on what worked for you to help get you through one...

I mean, some days I'm on set surrounded by tons of people & yet I feel so utterly alone. 

So many new faces around me, all of us wrapped up in the chaos of the day...

Right now I feel lost in the shuffle. No one around me knows whats going on, or knows me enough to ask how I'm doing, but yet if I'm asked do I really want to think about it? Better yet, answer truthfully?

The thing I think I miss most is talking to him throughout the day & just knowing that somebody is thinking of you. 

I loved getting the tweet of a text, telling me his latest, asking about mine, two worlds sharing, creating their own... 

He' s on my mind everyday, I see something cool & I want to share it with him. 

I hear something funny that I know he'll laugh at & I want to text it, but I know its best not to...

Its a quiet world without the tweets.

Another girlfriend working her way thru a breakup too has been a good motivator of getting me out of the house on the weekends (thank you!) 

Friends & activities are the best medicine!

One night at LACMA, getting our art groove on, I saw how shallow the dating pool has gotten...I don't think I'm ready for this yet. 

She met a couple of guys while in line for a cocktail, both unemployed, & we'll just say the guy I got left talking to may have a dead body or two in his basement, he really disturbed me. If I was to create a character after him you'd say I was trying too hard, no one like that exists...yes, yes he does.

(brrrrr, shaking that one off)

A few times these past couple of weeks loneliness has won & I've found myself logging into okcupid only to log right back out after a quick scroll...I keep thinking I'm ready to start toying around with dating again, but my immediate physical response once on the site tells me otherwise...

Right now, even though I crave to be in a relationship, none of the process appeals to me...but when it does again, I do have faith I'll find a good one.

So back to where I began, I woke up feeling great today & I now know why ~ I have spent the past 4 days doing what I love & getting back in touch with myself. I'm okay on my own. I've got alot I want to do & that makes me happy. 

My current relationship is going to be with myself for a bit.

Now I think I'll go woo myself with a glass of red ~ cheers!

xoxo

Time to heal

I know the last time I wrote I shared how we realized we were in different places within the relationship & choices needed to be made...I thought we were done.

Well, turns out I just wasn't quite ready to say goodbye and neither was he. 

 We continued to chat, to text, to hang out...

It was almoooost the same

Of course, that was just me fooling myself & trying to convince myself to maintain some hope, that he'll realize how great we are, were...whatever. 

For example, shortly after my last posting he invited me to 2 different events he was doing with his boys, as a "friend", cool, whatever made him comfortable I told myself. 

He's making an effort, right?

A glimmer of hope.

Inviting me to a work function ~ more hope :)

Not even making it outta the house that night to the event ~ bigger swells of hope

Asking if I'd like my keys back that night (a HUGE act I IGNORED like a post-O fool) 

Asking to come visit at lunch next day, & actually shares a problem he's having ~ feeling closer, almost like we're a couple

Asking me to happy hour the next day ~ super great & fun evening!

Says he'll miss me while out of town ~awwwww

I'm hooked again...

Goddammit!!!

Only I can't shake the feeling I'm not what he's looking for. I don't measure up.

I'm afraid to be me, to say what I'm thinking, to do anything that'll make him find me unattractive again.

(*note to any men reading, please never tell a woman you found her unattractive, she'll never forget it & it stings)

I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of wanting to be how we were, act how I used to with him, but I don't want to be chasing after him or trying to convince him why me & not someone else...

He's made his choice abundantly clear time & time again, he wants to date others & not be in a relationship ~ only NOW did I FINALLY get it in my head & my heart.

Its funny how often I've heard "I don't want to be in a relationship".

One guy I briefly dated, who said this, just married the girl who came right after me...and another one is engaged!

Ugh!

It leads me down my familiar path of "what's so wrong with me that no guy wants to hang around?"

I hate this path, its self-destructive & I'm asking for all your help to stop me if you see me going down this road - please!!

Last Saturday, we celebrated our year together with the gift I gave him/us ~ a night of music from Pixar @ the Bowl.

It was a wonderful & magical, beautiful & emotional evening.

I'm glad we went out on a high note!! 

I need some time to heal & have asked for some space. 

I know we'll be friends & in each other's lives for a long while, but for now I've got to find ME again.

I'll keep y'all posted on my journey ;)

To my first love ~ thank you for the laughter, the smiles, the fun. Thank you for teaching me how to love & be loved. Thank for making me feel special & beautiful & safe. I will forever cherish our memories. xo ~ red

Realities...

Well...it was good while it lasted...

Let me rewind a couple of weeks back...our year anniversary was coming up & I was tensing up about it...

A year? What does that mean? I've never gotten here before.

I mentioned to a coupla friends my hesitation, blaming my "commitment" issues, but than I began to wonder, do I really have those? Or is it really that no one has stuck around long enough for me to commit to something? I had seemed to being doing good up til this point, no moments of feeling the need to flee...what was up???

The more I thought about it I realized I DID want to celebrate this milestone & that the fear in my gut really was "is this milestone something he'd rather not acknowledge?"

I rationalized "its just another day, no reason for him or me to freak out", enjoy it for what it is & enjoy him for who he is!!

So I did!

(Figuring you read last post, so needless to say I celebrated US)

He also got a cheesy love card in the mail (nothing is better than opening your mailbox to something other than a bill!!)

&

tickets for us to go "Pixar in Concert" @ the Hollywood Bowl

(Ahhhhh the Bowl)

3 things I knew he loved ~ Pixar, movie scores,  & the Bowl

I made peace with being out of town over that weekend, but my heart still hurt a lil that he couldn't join me ~ visions of a romantic weekend away had danced in my head ;)

I felt a lil uneasy about him not being able to join me, but tried not to read too much into it.

When I got back into town & learned I wouldn't be able to see him the rest of the week since he had his boys and was on deadline, I was heartbroken ~ no anniversary celebrations happening together, the 4th of July, nothing! 

& it didn't seem to bother him at all. 

I tried not to show it, but in the end I couldn't keep it in.

Since I was unable to see him, I wrote an email ~ it felt good to finally say some things I had been holding back on.

I thank him for reading it & actually taking what I said to heart! 

My biggest fear was that he'd just shut down & say "see ya!" ~ but as always, he was a good man (who's done this relationship-thing before & is forever teaching me how it works).

I couldn't get a gage where he stood thru our few texts over the week apart, but Saturday was coming & I'd soon find out.

A better question was ~ where did I stand? What did I want going forward?

It was a very tough question for me too! 

I was/am still madly in love with this man, I still get excited when I know I get to see him. 

My heart skips when my phone tweets a text, hoping its from him :)

(yes, I know I'm ridiculously sappy)

I was finally beginning to relax into the idea of us as a couple. 

I was having crazy thoughts that I've NEVER had before ~ I WANTED to cook delicious meals for this man, I wanted to make his belly happy!

(I seriously looked in to cooking classes...I guess I really should learn anyways...)

I felt comfortable looking ahead to things I wanted to share with him...(i.e. Bowl tickets a few weeks from now)

One thing I knew going into this with a "newly on-the-market" man was that he may want to shop on a few different aisles, taste test a variety before deciding what he likes.

And I'm a true believer in that! 

Lord knows I feel like I've taste tested all of Costco getting to this point...

I know the taste I like...I know the man I love.

We just dove in too fast for him to get that chance.

Maybe now is the time to take it...

I've feared my expiration date was coming up. 

The year anniversary just reminded him how he wasn't looking to be in a serious relationship & it reminded me how much I love sharing my life with someone.

Kind of a tough difference to reconcile.

I can't imagine my days without him in them, nor do I want to try, 

but I also want to be with a man that gets excited to see me too & doesn't feel the need to find better, different or whatever...

I'll be getting back on my journey eventually, at least this time I do know love exists

xo

365 days...xo

**Ok, a lil music to view by :)

I will never tire of this classic song & its exactly as I feel

A year ago today I was going about my single life as usual, the only slight difference in the pattern was that I had a date that evening at 6p(?) to grab a drink with a new guy I had been emailing for a couple of weeks.

I was excited to meet him, but cautiously so...

I mean, the likelihood of "sparks" was something I was starting to assume was urban legend.

And 6pm??? Best reason I could come up with for that meet-up time was that we could each salvage our evening, if it was a bust after one cocktail (I'll admit I was kinda in a glass half-empty dating mode)

But I was working on that...the hopeless romantic in me still always wins!!

And I WAS excited, something about him intrigued me. 

I laughed out loud when I read his emails!

With a fresh manicure (blowing my still wet nails), I raced to the bar.

Giddiness in the air

Butterflies in my stomach...

I spotted him right away as he headed to the bar

&

unfortunately, he witnessed some of my crazy driving skills in reverse as I tried to find parking (damn my red hair for giving me away!)

 The beauty of the 6p date is you have the whooooole place to yourself, so we tried out several seating situations ;)


SIX HOURS later we strolled out of the bar not wanting the night to end, but knowing work would come too early... 


Oh those moments as everything about the other is new...awwwww




This man is something special - that much I knew right away!!

 And guess what??? Sparks really do exist!!!


You don't know how excited I was to have confirmation of this, as it'd been quite a while since my heart skipped a beat for a guy ;)


It didn't take long to know there'd be fireworks!!


Date #3 - 4th of July!!!


Ok, ok I won't bore you with the play by play of every day...but I'm gonna celebrate this past year of laughter, love & smiles 


<3 <3 <3

 Summer fun with music, art, & my babe...

And then there was the SUPER FUN DISNEYLAND DATE DAY!!!

(I do owe a full entry on the day, cuz my babe has it down to a wonderful science of pure fun!)

**SURPRISE** date night - an Aimee Mann concert - whaaaat??!!!

XOXOXO

Our 1st lil get-away to Las Vegas at the beginning of the year...
What is it about water dancing to Sinatra???
Everything seems magical in his arms
(schmoopy overload!!! I know it, I love it!!!)

Day-trippin to Santa Barbara over Memorial Day, my darlin woke up with a lil adventure streak that day & we had a wonderful time exploring.
I love learning new things about my man ;)

Babe, I just want to raise a glass & thank you for an amazing year I could never have foreseen!! You have taught me how to love, how to grow, to share my thoughts, & my needs without fear.


I'm sorry I'm not in town to cheers you in person & celebrate, so I dedicate this blog to you & a wonderful 365!!!

My handsome man, thank you for who you are!! For all the thoughtful things you do, you bring a smile to my face each day!! I appreciate your warmth, your kindness, your quick wit & humor, your ability to challenge my thoughts (you're so smart!)...oh my gosh I could go on & on butI'll save that for in person!!! 
I love you!!
xoxoxo
red

Its the lil things

In the darkness of the early morning, I realized what love is.

It was a damp & chilly morning, fresh from a rainy night, mist still filled the air. Beautiful on all counts, except for having to be at work at an ungodly hour.

Usually I try & not subject my babe to the early alarms & my morning routine (why should both of us go sleepless?), but we hadn't seen each other in about a week, so I had stayed over to cozy in.

As I left his place, he asked if I wanted him to come open the gate & I said "no, of course not, don't be silly, stay in, & stay warm", kissed him goodbye & wished him a good day.

Out into the elements I went...

I saw another tenant leaving so I figured I'd piggy back on her open gate & squeak through. As I neared the gate I saw a guy holding an umbrella, he  came out & opened the gate anyways, slippers & all, freezing his tooshie off.

My heart melted a lil :)))

He forewent his comfort to make sure I got out okay & without having to get wet.

Who does that???

That's when I started thinking about relationships & the natural evolution they take. 

At first, its all sparkly, shiny & new. Everything is exciting.

There's grand gestures in the woo-ing process. (All fantastic & great, don't get me wrong, I enjoy'em as much as the next gal) 

But then, as you get to know each other, you aim for happiness through the lil things that you know will mean something to them, the tiny selfless acts done just to see their smile.

My babe is wonderful at taking care of me & I wanted to give a lil shout out to all the things he does that warm my heart ;)

~ opens driveway gates in his pjs on a dark & rainy early morning ~

~ warms up my side of the bed before I crawl in ~

~ has my favorite coffee creamer in his fridge ~

~ makes me coffee! ~

~ puts extra chapstick on, then kisses me goodnight so my lips stay soft too ~

~ good morning texts ~

~ flowers for no reason ~

~ let's me warm my frozen feet on his legs (you're a crazy man!!) ~

~ smiles when our eyes catch ~

~ shares friendly competitions with me ;) ~

~ teaches me i-things w/patience & no judgement ~

~ looks up good traffic routes for me ~

~ wishes me good night & sweet dreams each evening ~

~ lotions up my back ~

~ will snuggle on the couch & watch Smash with me ~

~ massages my feet after a long day ~

Just a taste of what makes me smile each day & why I love my man!! 

I only hope I give as much to him.

I'm so enjoying this journey of learning, growing, making mistakes, connecting, sharing, and most importantly - loving!

xo

38 it is!!

Just slightly over a week into my 38th year & I'm loving it!! 

I do think I have a thing for even numbers, they just seem, well...even.

I always seem to have exceptional years on the even #'s & this year is already proving me right!!

Its funny when you think of a number as a kid, then you reach it & life is quite different than imagined...better!

I know, I've been lax on keeping up with my posts & I apologize, but so much goodness has been keeping me busy, that I'll just have to fill you in as we go ;)

I'm sure you've gathered from where I left off last that things have been going quite well with my honey ;) I owe you some back stories from getting off the plane to now & they're goooood, trust me, but we'll stroll back there soon enough.

I'm just so darn giddy with the present that that's the story I'm telling today :)

I used to be the obnoxious girl counting down to her birthday & letting EVERYONE know its coming, but now into the 30's I've started taking a more low-key approach to it, sometimes a big night out, other times a quite dinner with friends, even just cake at work has sufficed...

But this year was gonna be different! 

(This is also my 1st birthday ever to celebrate with a man!)

It started with an email on Friday giving me clues to the bday adventure that lied ahead on Saturday.

He gave me clues as to how to dress ~ my baby knows my priorities!

The 1st half of the day was to be casual, comfortable, like we're going on a hike.

The 2nd half was L.A. night out fabulous! Saying he'd be in a suit (hello handsome!), have fun with it!

No problem with the evening attire, but got stuck between workout gear & casual cute for the day, ...of course I opted for cute (which probably was not my best choice)

I was to be at his place at 10a for a full day of fun!

Saturday arrived & it was frickin gorgeous!! Unlike many a snowy birthday I had in Colorado growing up!

We packed up & hit the road...clueless, I kept tracking our coordinates, trying to make guesses in my head, we headed towards the coast ~ were we heading up north, wine-tasting perhaps? A day cruise?

He was tight-lipped!!

We exited in Santa Monica & parked near the promenade.

What are we doing??? I was so confused! Movies? Lunch? But wait he said to eat before coming...um, the roller coaster & rides on the pier?

As we trekked towards the pier, I saw the tents, I knew it! We were going to the Cirque du Soleil show! NO!

I was stumped. I surrendered...

Down to the beach we went.

I started to notice a gathering of people in the sand, no one I recognized.

Yep, that's where we were going.

We were doing THE AMAZING RACE ~ SANTA MONICA!!

How cool was that??!!!!

We had talked about the show & much we loved it on our FIRST date!! Now we were doing it!!!

He'd done the LA version before with his boys & it sounded like the coolest thing ever! 

We were gonna kick some boot-ay!!

We spent the next 4 hours racing 11 other teams all over the Santa Monica & Venice areas.

Solving puzzles, digging for clues in the sand, playing skee ball for tickets to get next clue, getting a henna tattoo which led to our next locale, figuring out public transit (???), running thru crowds like maniacs - IT WAS FANTASTIC!!! 

 Our race ended back on the pier with free beers! We came in 4th!!
It was so exhilarating!!
I'm ready to meet Phil on the mat for the real version of "Amazing Race" (although I'd train better if real $ was involved!)


This is us post-race :) 
Worn out but giddy...no rest for the weary...we headed back to the car to pick up our evening threads & on to the next leg of our adventure...


Next clue...charades...3 words...
1st word...hot
2nd word...um...
&
I shouted out HOT STONE MASSAGES!
YEP!!!!! YEE HAW!!!!

 Just down the block, ever so conveniently, was the LA treasure, Burke Williams - ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!


Exactly what my body needed after the race!!
My babe is gooooood!!

 We got there early to soak in the amenities & relax! Hot tubbing, steam rooming, cool misting....allllllll heavenly!!


This was my 1st hot stone massage & my lady spoiled me with a lil extra bday rubdown. oh so good!

 From there we got all fancied up, feeling like a new woman, I was ready for whatever!


And down just a coupla blocks from there, we hit The Penthouse at the Huntley for a most delicious dinner with a breathtaking view of the city!!


After dinner, he handed me a card that was so perfectly raunchy hilarious, I was laughing til I read what he wrote & I welled up with tears ~ the sweetest words he could say. (And he says I'm the writer...ha!)
I got so caught up in the card, I completely missed the box that appeared on the table!!
Really???? A gift after a day like today???
I opened it to find a beautiful diamond pendant necklace in an elegant abstract heart shape - amazing!! Of course more tears...c'mon keep it together Carlie!

To my baby, I owe you many many thank you's for a birthday I will NEVER EVER forget!! You made me feel like the most special woman in the world!! XXOOX

The Penthouse at The Huntley

And since it fell on a weekend, we might as well keep the festivities rolling!! :)

Sunday, I was joined by more loved ones & had a luxurious brunch under the trees at Cliff's Edge.

Champagne + Sunday's are my new 38 year old speed!!

CHEERS TO AN AMAZING NEW YEAR!!!! XOXO

Thank you everyone for a WONDERFUL weekend - I love y'all!!!