HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

As 2011 is winding down in its final hours, I wanted to take time & wish you all well!! 

Thank you so much for following along on my journey, I have appreciated all your words of advice, encouragement, and cheer! 

I hope this new year brings much happiness & love into your lives!

Thinking back on this past year, I experienced some of my lowest lows early on & some of my highest highs in the second half. I learned life is worth living each day, even when its not all shiny & happy ~ its from those moments that I've gained strength, learned to have faith, and practiced just showing up for life.

And by showing up each day I have arrived at a new life I couldn't have perceived a year ago. One that makes me happy to wake each day!

Its funny, or maybe its ironic, as I sit here at home on New Year's Eve, the first year having someone to share it with & I am alone.

And am so utterly and perfectly content!

For as many years as I can remember back, I've been getting dolled up and trying to make NYE a "magical" night, to only be let down (& generally hungover).

With my honey away visiting family, & friends getting ready to hit the town, I am curling up for some well deserved "me" time :) 

It got me to thinking though ~

what was I chasing all these years that left me let down? Happiness? Love? Is it now that I am feeling those that I am at peace?

Possibly...

...but all I know for sure is that I'm opening a bottle of wine, curling up with a movie & FaceTiming my babe at midnight ~ tonight that equals a perfect NYE!!

Going into this new year, I haven't really thought about what resolutions to make, (& really why?, as I am horrible at keeping them, although working out really should get back on the list...) 
But I'd like to, I guess call it, setting a state of being for 2012 ~
~ I am embracing the year ahead in a state of openness ~
*of open mind 
*of open heart 
*willing to try new things 
*to keep a fresh perspective 
*to be bold in my choices
*to not live safely
* & to embrace my failures for the learning experiences they are, for at least I will have tried!


I am excited to see what 2012 brings for all those I love in my life! I look forward, my friends and family, to hearing what state of being you're taking on in the new year :)


Cheers to a healthy & happy 2012!!! 
xo

Only time will tell...

Well the day arrived for him to board the plane to Australia, we hadn't seen each other in a couple of days, but were hoping to meet up for lunch before his flight.

I'd had the best of intentions on following thru with it when I got ready that morning. I put on the skirt I wore on our first date, topped it with an electric blue sweater that brought out my eyes, spritzed on the perfume he had given me on one of our "Thurs-iversaries" (totally schmoopie, I know & I loved it!). I was ready to send him off looking fantastic.

I had figured that was the best image to leave him with, a strong independent woman full of the qualities he had seen in me & fell in love with, at least I still wanted to believe that.

If only I had felt that fantastic inside though. As I finished up my morning meeting & waited to figure out where we were gonna meet up, I began to doubt, doubt myself, my judgement, the situation - was I crazy to see him off?

Yes, of course I was! Only then was I just realizing it.

Actually it took the uncontrollable tears in the parking lot to clue me in.

I was so torn ~ I desperately wanted to see him, and run from him.

I kept trying to picture what we could possibly talk about over lunch knowing he was boarding a plane to see another woman.

Do we talk about it? What more would there be to say?

Do we ignore that lil "detail" & chat about the weather?

He sounded excited to see me in his texts as we tried to finalize our plans, which really made me want to go, but I had to honor my feelings. If there was going to be one lesson I was going to learn through this, it was going to be listening to, identifying & processing my emotions as they were happening (not a process I'm well versed in)

Besides, the sweater's effect would only draw attention to my now red tear-stained eyes.

Not the send off I was hoping for...

We didn't meet up. I wished him safe travels & that was it.

I didn't ask him how long he'd be gone, I didn't want to know. 

I knew myself well enough that if I knew I'd only watch the calendar for that day to arrive, then watch my phone or my email for any sign of hope, & I did NOT want to become THAT GIRL!! Oh no no!

Instead, I threw myself into hyper-drive & got busy with friends, my business & accepting all work that came my way, it was actually great to re-connect with my life again.

Of course, it wasn't easy at all. I thought about him a lot. Friends kept asking how we were doing (really smart idea to blog about one's relationship - what was I thinking? ;) ). I always said "oh we're gooood", not wanting to go into it really with everyone.

I kinda feared what people would think of me & my approach to the situation, which sounds odd since I was completely comfortable with my decision, but I didn't want to have to get defensive or made to feel like I wasn't taking a stand for myself.

I truly felt then & I still feel the same now, that letting him go to explore some feelings that would've otherwise festered into regret or resentment, was the right thing to do.

I wasn't taking it personally, I don't think he was being a "dawg", I think life was unfolding from events that were put into place before I even entered the picture.

I knew from all the various men I've met over the years, that this one had a good soul, a kind heart & wasn't your average guy. He was special & he was worth risking my heart on that chance he may find some happiness with me.

~

So even though I didn't know his exact return date, I rationalized a week or less was too soon since it was so far away. I kinda figured the 2 week mark would be when he'd return, but that was just my theory. We hadn't communicated at all since he left - why, really?

Its funny how as more time passes, the less your mind focuses focuses focuses & just deals with the present and what's going on that moment. It was getting easier as the days went by. 

Of course my mind kept creating all these fantastic scenarios for him & he was having the time of his life ~ I tried to keep those thoughts to a minimum...tried...

On Friday, rushing to get out the door to get to work on time, I spaced on the time, was in my car, finishing my make-up (don't judge) & I heard a text chime in. I looked down, it was from HIM!

My heart skipped a beat! My hands got a lil shaky. I grabbed for my phone (again, don't judge, I was at least at a red light)
It read "Make a wish!!. Make sure its a big one!!!"


OH YOU CAN BET I WISHED BIG!!!


I was so touched he remembered & knew that 11:11 on 11/11/11 was a magical moment for me :)))
I would have completely missed it had he not texted.


Turned out he was still down under, I learned in an email shortly after, but he had been waiting all week to send that text...I hoped that was a good sign that I was in his thoughts ;)


My guess-timate was off, he was there for another week...okay girl, stay focused on the life at hand...this week will fly by...

Be careful what you ask for...

After he left, I gave myself the afternoon to fall apart, process, do whatever I felt when I felt it.

What surprised me was this sense of calmness that came over me, oh don't get me wrong my heart was breaking, but at that moment all I wanted to do was wish him well.

I pulled out my phone & decided to send him an email. 

Its funny cuz I would have thought I'd have been beyond angry or wounded, but I still cherished what we had and wanted to thank him for it.

He had given me more love & taught me more about myself in a few short months than years of mini relationships.

My heart just wanted him to be happy, if it wasn't going to be with me its better we find that out now. 

For all the questions & doubts whirling through my head, my initial natural instinct has always been to assume it was ME, I'm not enough something - pretty enough, funny enough, good enough kisser, smart enough, you name it...commence self doubting

A couple of hours later, I received an email back ~ Subject line: You are remarkable.

I read through my tears a wonderful email, helping me to understand where he was at, how much we have helped each other and to see it wasn't me, just knowing this all gave me a sense of "it'll all be okay", whatever it is meant to be, will be right.

Now I'd be lying if I said I stayed in this kind of zen place towards it all. It was a roller coaster of emotions week.

Tuesday I was angry, felt betrayed, hurt.

Wednesday was back to a lil sad...

Thursday, feeling like why waste time being all mopey, if you want to see him, say so while he's still in town

I think I've mentioned before how I rarely ever "future-talk" with men, too risky to assume they'll be around by the time the event shows up. 

Well, he had kinda broke me of that habit & we had done all sorts of future talking, not big stuff but fun stuff ;)

One being the annual concert Gary Sinise & his Lt. Dan Band throw for the crew of CSI:NY, I had wanted to take him to this cuz its so much fun & it was music I knew he'd love. It was Friday night of that week...

So much debate went on in my head if I should re-offer my previous invite & it boiled down to I missed him, still loved him, knew he'd enjoy it & we'd have a fantastic time together.

I invited.

He accepted, with some hesitation (purely out of not wanting to hurt me any more).

I assured him I was fine, I wanted to sing & dance the night away, just enjoying the present moment with him.

WHAT A FANTASTIC EVENING!

It couldn't have been more fun!

As the night wound down, he asked me if I'd like to join him the next night at Halloween Horror Nights, - another future-talking event I had figured was no more.

He told me to sleep on it & let him know in the morning.

Of course I wanted to go!

So, I met him outside Universal Studios that evening, thinking I was joining him with a group of friends, but it turned out just to be the 2 of us :)

We grabbed a bite on the Citywalk & then ventured into the park. 

I am a complete scared-y cat when it comes to anything horror, but I also love pushing myself just to the limit. My stomach was in knots in the anticipation of being scared to death! I did a much worse number on my own mind than the actual zombies!

Another FUN night! 

He held me close & kept me safe the whole time. A horror fanatic & frequent visitor to this annually, he maneuvered the park with finesse, knowing what I could handle & would enjoy - thank you babe!!

Later at my car it was soooo hard to say goodnight/goodbye.

This was probably it before he flew out.

We kissed, we hugged, we found every excuse to stand there longer.

Ok, gotta go, gotta do it, we climbed into our cars.

A knock at my kitchen door, there he was.

My heart soared with excitement.

I know this isn't gonna make things any easier but I was so glad he showed up.

Really?

Okay, so maybe not the best way to deal with it, but when a good friend invites you to $1 wine tasting which then turns into free Paul Simon concert tickets, you pick up your guitar carafe of Cabernet & cheers the night away.

All in the hopes of making reality seem like something you've dreamt up...

Nothing beats heartache like a pounding hangover headache, 3 hours of sleep and a full day on set ahead of you...I can do this! Ow! I hope...

I did pretty okay in restraining my drunk texting that night, aside from videoing some of the concert, saying "i love you" at the end & SENDING it!! But I was feeling it, why not share it! Riiight?

It was so hard that next day to not text him. I was a big ball of mixed emotions, from sad and hurt, to angry and then sad again.

I felt like a fool, how could I have been so utterly happy just 2 days earlier?

Work was brutal, but I survived it. No one to blame for my pain other than my own doing. I could not wait for my bed!

When I got home, he asked if we could FaceTime, which I couldn't resist. We each curled up in our respective beds, talking but saying nothing really at all. It was just great to see his face.

Of course as we got off the phone, I was wide awake, seriously? All I wanted was sleep. I grabbed my book & curled up.

He texted, joked about being awake too, but us both knowing me + reading in bed = asleep in 10 min...& sure enough!

Next thing I'm aware of is the sound of his voice, at midnight he drove over & crawled in to bed with me. We slept entwined in each other's arms all night.

I had never slept so soundly with him.

** this move now tops as one of his all-time romantic gestures, beating out the "going home cuz we each CAN'T sleep & returning with coffee next morning" ;)

We still needed to talk but our schedules weren't matching.

Saturday night I crawled into his bed while he slept, again a peaceful night.

The weekend passed. I wanted to be in full on ignore-it mode, real healthy I know ;) I tried to focus on my business.

Monday arrives with the news I did not make it into a holiday show I was hoping for with Ch*Armz. This news seemed to hit a lil harder than it should've but go figure my state of mind...    

We were planning on lunch, but I told him nevermind I had lost my appetite.

A lil bit later, there was a knock at my door & there he was with vegetarian chili for me, he remembered me saying I miss having chili back home when it gets cold out :)

He even brought Fritos to top it with!

He heated up some soup for himself & we curled up on the couch.

I was feeling pretty down & he filled me up with all the good things he sees in me & my company's potential. I listened & took it all in. I knew he was speaking from his heart. He really is a good man, albeit confused. I knew his words & his love was real.

I nestled in his arms. Silence crept in. I knew I needed to bring up the white elephant in the room, oh god I don't want to...ok, like a band-aid rip it off, 1...2...3...

So are you going to see her?

He had booked his flight, he left in a week...

More silence, we just sat in each other's arms.

I tried to pull myself together & act like I needed to get back to work. I couldn't let him see me breakdown.

I started to clean up & busy myself to keep from crying.

 He grabbed me and hugged me tight.

We both cried. We stood there for what seemed like forever.

I pulled away, clicked on my iTunes to break the silence & retreated to my bedroom.

Couldn't have asked for a more ridiculously dramatic song to come on than Adele's "Someone Like You"...

He let himself out

Can things ever be too good to be true?

I've definitely felt like I was flying these past few months, or walking on air to say the least. I know in the past I let my brain do a lot of my thinking/feeling for me & it definitely kept looking over the ledge of the building but was too afraid to leap.

When I began writing this blog, bringing you along on my search for love, I had already jumped from the building ledge, and I was flying!

Its such an amazing feeling!

 It has been so easy to share with you these past few months all the fun of our journey together :)

But I think we all know life isn't always just the good moments, & I feel that if I'm truly going to tell my story, you're gonna get the good with the bad, I wanna keep it real...

Have you ever gotten a sense that something's off? That feeling that you can't quite put your finger on? That feeling that then makes you question yourself?

As the weekend was winding down, my honey came over on Sunday for dinner. I was just finishing up some work when he arrived and he seemed a lil antsy as he waited. I knew he was hungry, so I let it go. On the way to dinner, I felt a weird energy, but nothing was really out of the ordinary, conversation was just a lil short.

Once we got seated & relaxed in our booth, our natural rhythm of banter came back.  We were totally "same siders" that night! Usually I prefer across table dining but these booths were huge, so we became one of "those" couples. I find it kind of awkward & neck straining to sit side by side, I mean is it really more intimate? You are still out in public...okay getting off topic, sorry...focus Carlie...

The next night I went over to his place for dinner, wine & viewing of a few episodes our favorite British series "The Secret Diary of a Call Girl" ~ its a really good show, worth a watch :)

We got into an interesting conversation about whether one can hold one's past or current job (i.e. being a call girl) against them IF you are aware & chose to be there?

I think NOT. I feel we need to OWN our choices & decisions. We're all adults. If all the facts are laid out, what is there to discuss? Its when things are hidden, or just conveniently not mentioned that trouble begins. I believe if honesty is present & trust is given, you'll end up with someone who's values match your's.

The next day after leaving an appointment I had this warm feeling throughout my body. I couldn't stop smiling. At that moment I felt utterly content, it was ridiculous. I had never felt this calm, yet giddy, happy & serene all wrapped up into one moment. 

I pulled my car over & texted him my feeling Just letting him know I appreciated having him in my life.

Back about my day I went...

I was chatting with Mom later that afternoon, catching her up & in true mom fashion, she was happy for me but began warning me to be careful, she didn't want to see her lil girl get hurt. 

And in my true hopeless romantic fashion, I told her I craved the pain of getting hurt, because to know that pain I'd have had to experience the other extreme of JOY & LOVE....silly girl...one too many Jane Austin novels for me.

A few hours later, this lil nagging voice was back in my head. 

My intuition had been trying to get my attention a couple of days ago but I kept ignoring it. Sitting with it for a few minutes, my gut began to ache. There was someone else. I felt it.

I grabbed my laptop & decided to check the site we met on - good for me, it shows when you last logged on, bad for him...1p that afternoon. I felt sick.

I knew I didn't want to ask him about it over the phone & since we were having lunch the next day, I'd ask him then.

My mind replayed the past few days over & over, was it something I said, I did? What's changed? Why? Have I been being played for a fool this whole time? But how? - we saw each other all the time, maybe even too much...

It was the loooongest night. 

I was worthless in my class the next morning. I kept trying to focus, all the while I built my walls back up to hid behind.

He met me back at my place for lunch. And when I opened the door, I just melted into his arms. When we're together, my mind can stop racing & I can just feel. He felt so good.

He was there right in front of me. I didn't want to lose him. I loved him. I held him as close as I could & led him to my room.

The afternoon sun shone in on my bed as we made love. It felt so good.

As we picnic-ed in bed, I knew I had to face my fears & bring it up.

He knew it was coming...god bless technology, it had shown him that I saw he had been online.

He is fascinated by online dating, & I almost can't quite blame him as someone who hasn't dated in 20 years, it is a strange world to behold! Turns out he likes to voyeuristically check it out...okay, not sure how I'm feeling bout that, but can live with it, just as he says BUT,

I've been emailing with an old crush & she just turned things romantic on me this week & has invited me to visit her.

Yep, pretty sure my heart stopped beating at that moment.

Did not see that one coming.

I knew immediately he had to go, I mean maybe this is the woman he's meant to be with, I can't hold him back. We were too new to say "stay, pick me", as much as I wanted to, I couldn't.

I didn't want him to have any "what if's" or "should have's" later, I mean that sucks & leads you to always questioning your happiness...

No living in the past, no regrets!

Unfortunately we lost track of time & he was late to pick up the kids at school, so we kind of left it just hanging out there...

to be continued...

Rewind...

It has been brought to my attention (by my honey) that I breezed over a particularly wonderful date in one of my montages...lil did I know how much fun he had this night ~ sorry babe to have brushed over what truly was a fun night out. Thanks for reminding me ;)

In writing this blog, I've just been putting all my thoughts out there, as I feel'em. I love hearing your feedback, & what I've found especially interesting to learn is what bits he hasn't realized I was experiencing or feeling - I always feel like I'm an open book...guess not.

 And now it has helped me learn too what his feelings have been towards certain moments :)

He's brought this up & I'm toying with the idea (actually quite digging it) of making this like a "he said/she said" style ~ I love hearing the man's perspective! We'll see...

But on with our date ~

We had talked about hitting the Downtown L.A. Artwalk that happens once every month on a Thursday evening.

It worked out perfectly ~ he worked downtown, I had meetings downtown that day & a friend was hosting a pre-artwalk gathering at her loft ~ all signs pointed to finally hitting it.

He joined me at the lil soiree after work for some mingling. In a city so big, it really is small, especially in the industry & turns out he knew a co-worker of mine who was there...I shoulda figured, I mean we all are 6' separated ;)

From there, we wandered down a few blocks to check out a few galleries.

 The streets are packed on these evenings! Its very cool to see L.A. folk actually outside of their cars & out on the streets. There's a great energy among so many different types of people all out to appreciate a common theme - ART!


The "thinking Jester" is a HUGE painting on the side of a building - I adore street art (not graffiti) but coming across art in your daily route is like a breathe of fresh air.  

 My tribute to Lily Tomlin ~ lil girl/big chair

                                                                                  

We wandered in & out of store fronts, our eyes dancing from paintings to sculptures, we climbed up old buildings to find treasures on the top floors, we even found a groovy hair salon within a gallery/apt (?)

We turned a corner & there it was - The Mandoline Grill truck - I was/am addicted to their Vietnamese nachos & wanted him to fall in love with them too. Crispy salty chips topped with spicy creamy Sriracha sauce, fresh mint & cilantro, spicy grilled tofu (or meat if you prefer) - all mouth-watering goodness!! If you see their truck, STOP & GET THESE!

 We started to make our way back to our cars but found ourselves lured into this old classic bar that has been revived & is quite gorgeous ~ The Broadway Bar.
Everything from the lighting to the furniture was amazing!
The music a bit loud & the place being packed, we grabbed our cocktails & hit the patio.

Tucked into our own private corner, we enjoyed our night cap & each other.

Always the gentleman, he walked me to my car. 

Not quite ready to say goodnight, we both climbed into my car ~ we kissed, we chatted, he held me close. Things started to get a lil hot inside the car, as my seat reclined back & he leaned over, bright lights shone into my car & a tap on my window. Oh dear god, busted by the cops like 2 teenagers up at "make out point"

Well, I guess that's the end of that, huh?

At least we ended the evening ticket-free & w/o a record of public indecency ;)

Okay, he's right, how could I have brushed over a date like this???

Cheers xo