Time to heal

I know the last time I wrote I shared how we realized we were in different places within the relationship & choices needed to be made...I thought we were done.

Well, turns out I just wasn't quite ready to say goodbye and neither was he. 

 We continued to chat, to text, to hang out...

It was almoooost the same

Of course, that was just me fooling myself & trying to convince myself to maintain some hope, that he'll realize how great we are, were...whatever. 

For example, shortly after my last posting he invited me to 2 different events he was doing with his boys, as a "friend", cool, whatever made him comfortable I told myself. 

He's making an effort, right?

A glimmer of hope.

Inviting me to a work function ~ more hope :)

Not even making it outta the house that night to the event ~ bigger swells of hope

Asking if I'd like my keys back that night (a HUGE act I IGNORED like a post-O fool) 

Asking to come visit at lunch next day, & actually shares a problem he's having ~ feeling closer, almost like we're a couple

Asking me to happy hour the next day ~ super great & fun evening!

Says he'll miss me while out of town ~awwwww

I'm hooked again...

Goddammit!!!

Only I can't shake the feeling I'm not what he's looking for. I don't measure up.

I'm afraid to be me, to say what I'm thinking, to do anything that'll make him find me unattractive again.

(*note to any men reading, please never tell a woman you found her unattractive, she'll never forget it & it stings)

I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of wanting to be how we were, act how I used to with him, but I don't want to be chasing after him or trying to convince him why me & not someone else...

He's made his choice abundantly clear time & time again, he wants to date others & not be in a relationship ~ only NOW did I FINALLY get it in my head & my heart.

Its funny how often I've heard "I don't want to be in a relationship".

One guy I briefly dated, who said this, just married the girl who came right after me...and another one is engaged!

Ugh!

It leads me down my familiar path of "what's so wrong with me that no guy wants to hang around?"

I hate this path, its self-destructive & I'm asking for all your help to stop me if you see me going down this road - please!!

Last Saturday, we celebrated our year together with the gift I gave him/us ~ a night of music from Pixar @ the Bowl.

It was a wonderful & magical, beautiful & emotional evening.

I'm glad we went out on a high note!! 

I need some time to heal & have asked for some space. 

I know we'll be friends & in each other's lives for a long while, but for now I've got to find ME again.

I'll keep y'all posted on my journey ;)

To my first love ~ thank you for the laughter, the smiles, the fun. Thank you for teaching me how to love & be loved. Thank for making me feel special & beautiful & safe. I will forever cherish our memories. xo ~ red