Well the day arrived for him to board the plane to Australia, we hadn't seen each other in a couple of days, but were hoping to meet up for lunch before his flight.
I'd had the best of intentions on following thru with it when I got ready that morning. I put on the skirt I wore on our first date, topped it with an electric blue sweater that brought out my eyes, spritzed on the perfume he had given me on one of our "Thurs-iversaries" (totally schmoopie, I know & I loved it!). I was ready to send him off looking fantastic.
I had figured that was the best image to leave him with, a strong independent woman full of the qualities he had seen in me & fell in love with, at least I still wanted to believe that.
If only I had felt that fantastic inside though. As I finished up my morning meeting & waited to figure out where we were gonna meet up, I began to doubt, doubt myself, my judgement, the situation - was I crazy to see him off?
Yes, of course I was! Only then was I just realizing it.
Actually it took the uncontrollable tears in the parking lot to clue me in.
I was so torn ~ I desperately wanted to see him, and run from him.
I kept trying to picture what we could possibly talk about over lunch knowing he was boarding a plane to see another woman.
Do we talk about it? What more would there be to say?
Do we ignore that lil "detail" & chat about the weather?
He sounded excited to see me in his texts as we tried to finalize our plans, which really made me want to go, but I had to honor my feelings. If there was going to be one lesson I was going to learn through this, it was going to be listening to, identifying & processing my emotions as they were happening (not a process I'm well versed in)
Besides, the sweater's effect would only draw attention to my now red tear-stained eyes.
Not the send off I was hoping for...
We didn't meet up. I wished him safe travels & that was it.
I didn't ask him how long he'd be gone, I didn't want to know.
I knew myself well enough that if I knew I'd only watch the calendar for that day to arrive, then watch my phone or my email for any sign of hope, & I did NOT want to become THAT GIRL!! Oh no no!
Instead, I threw myself into hyper-drive & got busy with friends, my business & accepting all work that came my way, it was actually great to re-connect with my life again.
Of course, it wasn't easy at all. I thought about him a lot. Friends kept asking how we were doing (really smart idea to blog about one's relationship - what was I thinking? ;) ). I always said "oh we're gooood", not wanting to go into it really with everyone.
I kinda feared what people would think of me & my approach to the situation, which sounds odd since I was completely comfortable with my decision, but I didn't want to have to get defensive or made to feel like I wasn't taking a stand for myself.
I truly felt then & I still feel the same now, that letting him go to explore some feelings that would've otherwise festered into regret or resentment, was the right thing to do.
I wasn't taking it personally, I don't think he was being a "dawg", I think life was unfolding from events that were put into place before I even entered the picture.
I knew from all the various men I've met over the years, that this one had a good soul, a kind heart & wasn't your average guy. He was special & he was worth risking my heart on that chance he may find some happiness with me.
~
So even though I didn't know his exact return date, I rationalized a week or less was too soon since it was so far away. I kinda figured the 2 week mark would be when he'd return, but that was just my theory. We hadn't communicated at all since he left - why, really?
Its funny how as more time passes, the less your mind focuses focuses focuses & just deals with the present and what's going on that moment. It was getting easier as the days went by.
Of course my mind kept creating all these fantastic scenarios for him & he was having the time of his life ~ I tried to keep those thoughts to a minimum...tried...
On Friday, rushing to get out the door to get to work on time, I spaced on the time, was in my car, finishing my make-up (don't judge) & I heard a text chime in. I looked down, it was from HIM!It read "Make a wish!!. Make sure its a big one!!!"
OH YOU CAN BET I WISHED BIG!!!
I was so touched he remembered & knew that 11:11 on 11/11/11 was a magical moment for me :)))
I would have completely missed it had he not texted.
Turned out he was still down under, I learned in an email shortly after, but he had been waiting all week to send that text...I hoped that was a good sign that I was in his thoughts ;)
My guess-timate was off, he was there for another week...okay girl, stay focused on the life at hand...this week will fly by...
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