I've definitely felt like I was flying these past few months, or walking on air to say the least. I know in the past I let my brain do a lot of my thinking/feeling for me & it definitely kept looking over the ledge of the building but was too afraid to leap.
When I began writing this blog, bringing you along on my search for love, I had already jumped from the building ledge, and I was flying!
Its such an amazing feeling!
It has been so easy to share with you these past few months all the fun of our journey together :)
But I think we all know life isn't always just the good moments, & I feel that if I'm truly going to tell my story, you're gonna get the good with the bad, I wanna keep it real...
Have you ever gotten a sense that something's off? That feeling that you can't quite put your finger on? That feeling that then makes you question yourself?
As the weekend was winding down, my honey came over on Sunday for dinner. I was just finishing up some work when he arrived and he seemed a lil antsy as he waited. I knew he was hungry, so I let it go. On the way to dinner, I felt a weird energy, but nothing was really out of the ordinary, conversation was just a lil short.
Once we got seated & relaxed in our booth, our natural rhythm of banter came back. We were totally "same siders" that night! Usually I prefer across table dining but these booths were huge, so we became one of "those" couples. I find it kind of awkward & neck straining to sit side by side, I mean is it really more intimate? You are still out in public...okay getting off topic, sorry...focus Carlie...
The next night I went over to his place for dinner, wine & viewing of a few episodes our favorite British series "The Secret Diary of a Call Girl" ~ its a really good show, worth a watch :)
We got into an interesting conversation about whether one can hold one's past or current job (i.e. being a call girl) against them IF you are aware & chose to be there?
I think NOT. I feel we need to OWN our choices & decisions. We're all adults. If all the facts are laid out, what is there to discuss? Its when things are hidden, or just conveniently not mentioned that trouble begins. I believe if honesty is present & trust is given, you'll end up with someone who's values match your's.
The next day after leaving an appointment I had this warm feeling throughout my body. I couldn't stop smiling. At that moment I felt utterly content, it was ridiculous. I had never felt this calm, yet giddy, happy & serene all wrapped up into one moment.
I pulled my car over & texted him my feeling Just letting him know I appreciated having him in my life.
Back about my day I went...
I was chatting with Mom later that afternoon, catching her up & in true mom fashion, she was happy for me but began warning me to be careful, she didn't want to see her lil girl get hurt.
And in my true hopeless romantic fashion, I told her I craved the pain of getting hurt, because to know that pain I'd have had to experience the other extreme of JOY & LOVE....silly girl...one too many Jane Austin novels for me.
A few hours later, this lil nagging voice was back in my head.
My intuition had been trying to get my attention a couple of days ago but I kept ignoring it. Sitting with it for a few minutes, my gut began to ache. There was someone else. I felt it.
I grabbed my laptop & decided to check the site we met on - good for me, it shows when you last logged on, bad for him...1p that afternoon. I felt sick.
I knew I didn't want to ask him about it over the phone & since we were having lunch the next day, I'd ask him then.
My mind replayed the past few days over & over, was it something I said, I did? What's changed? Why? Have I been being played for a fool this whole time? But how? - we saw each other all the time, maybe even too much...
It was the loooongest night.
I was worthless in my class the next morning. I kept trying to focus, all the while I built my walls back up to hid behind.
He met me back at my place for lunch. And when I opened the door, I just melted into his arms. When we're together, my mind can stop racing & I can just feel. He felt so good.
He was there right in front of me. I didn't want to lose him. I loved him. I held him as close as I could & led him to my room.
The afternoon sun shone in on my bed as we made love. It felt so good.
As we picnic-ed in bed, I knew I had to face my fears & bring it up.
He knew it was coming...god bless technology, it had shown him that I saw he had been online.
He is fascinated by online dating, & I almost can't quite blame him as someone who hasn't dated in 20 years, it is a strange world to behold! Turns out he likes to voyeuristically check it out...okay, not sure how I'm feeling bout that, but can live with it, just as he says BUT,
I've been emailing with an old crush & she just turned things romantic on me this week & has invited me to visit her.
Yep, pretty sure my heart stopped beating at that moment.
Did not see that one coming.
I knew immediately he had to go, I mean maybe this is the woman he's meant to be with, I can't hold him back. We were too new to say "stay, pick me", as much as I wanted to, I couldn't.
I didn't want him to have any "what if's" or "should have's" later, I mean that sucks & leads you to always questioning your happiness...
No living in the past, no regrets!
Unfortunately we lost track of time & he was late to pick up the kids at school, so we kind of left it just hanging out there...
to be continued...
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